Going... Going.....

Gone. That is where the Red Sox’s chances of making the playoffs are. I can not fully explain my joy, so I won’t even try. My excitement is only tempered by the fact that I don’t care for the Yankees either. Better them than the Red Sox though.

The Red Sox Suck!

Head Up Your Ass Award

This week’s Head Up Your Ass Award goes to the Quebec media for taking themselves too seriously. I have explained the story more here.

Snakes in Kevin Brown's Back Yard

During his major league baseball career Kevin Brown was a bit of a jerk. Now that he is retired he is spreading some of his joy to his neighbors.

Brown was caught throwing grass clippings into Michael Haws’s yard. Haws confronted Brown and an argument ensued. As the confrontation intensified Brown produced a gun and authorities were soon on the scene.

With the police and firearms in the mix Haws suddenly remembered that it was him that originally threw the clippings into Brown’s yard. He has some lame excuse about not knowing that the fence surrounded yard was actually somebody’s property. It would seem that the prevailing reason is that Michael Haws is a lazy dick.

The big question for me is why does Kevin Brown carry a gun while walking around his property? He claims the he sees many snakes on his relaxing strolls. So a gun will help you how? Are the snakes armed? Do you just like shooting at snakes? If you really wanted to protect yourself from snakes wouldn’t it be better to carry around a hatchet or a mongoose?

It sounds like that is a great neighborhood to live in.

Nice Work, Moron

Phil Mickelson and his posse of coaches are extreme idiots. Now that his coach Dave Pelz is taking care of the trash talk Mickelson can now fully concentrate on playing like a chump under pressure.

I am sure the entire field will be thanking Pelz - master strategist, for giving Tiger Woods some extra motivation to win the PGA championship. It is always a good idea to claim to be able to beat the best player in the world before a major event. Look how well that worked out for Stephen Ames and Michael Campbell. Looks like Phil can look forward to a couple of days of getting his ass handed to him now.

Have you seen Phil’s press conferences? I think he is trying to be funny. Why does the media love this putz?

Grenouille

Quebec business man Real Bourassa has got the French media’s knickers all in a knot. He is hoping to name his American Basketball Association team the Jumping Frogs. It is bad to call the French frogs, just ask La Presse: “French-speaking Canadians are acutely sensitive to the derogatory term.” They even called it “the ultimate insult”

As a French-Canadian (although not from Quebec), I say lighten up you old codgers. It is not like he is going to name the team the Quebec City Arrogant Bastards. I think most people have enough of a sense of humor to find this funny, Oui? If you don’t you should probably move to Ontario then. No one has a sense of humor in the center of the universe so you will fit right in.

Even more brilliant is the other proposed team name, the Kebekwa. It is a play on the word Quebecois used to describe residents of Quebec. I don’t know which name is better. Either one is insanely funny. Personally I think Mr. Bourassa should be given two teams just so that he can use both.

Head Up Your Ass Award

I meant to post this on Friday but I ran out of time:

Last week was full of jerks making news. Maurice Clavett’s leagal troubles and Harry Sinden stepping down from his reign of incompetence for example. No one lives up to the assholishness of Bob Farley and Shaun Farr.

These two jerks are the coaches of a 9 and 10 year old baseball team in a PONY league in Utah (it’s almost like managing in the majors, really). In the last inning of the tightly contested championship game the dynamic duo decided to intentionally walk a hitter to pitch to a cancer patient. Of course they struck him out making the kid feel like dirt. The coaches can now walk around town basking in the glory of out-strategizing their opponents and capturing the PONY league title of Bountiful, Utah. Bravo!

Bigger dicks you will not find. Such shenanigans have earned them the Pestilent Fishbowl’s Head Up Your Ass Award for last week.

Like Clockwork

August is here and Red Sox are falling apart. Just like old times. They have fallen behind the Yankees for the division lead and behind the White Sox and Twins for the wildcard. Even the Blue Jays are catching up to them. It is still early but it is nice to Boston losing when the games start to really matter. Especially to such powerhouse teams like KC and Tampa Bay. That’s clutch baby!

Keep Losing Dammit!

It is the end of an era in Boston. Harry Sinden is stepping down from his duties as Bruin’s president. It is a sad day for me because I have long enjoyed the mediocrity that the Bruins have displayed under Sinden’s leadership. I have relished the fact that Bruin fans have seen nothing but failure for over 30 years.

Could this run of incompetence be over? I hope to hell not. I have been spoiled with Boston sports incompetence for far too long to have it taken away from me now.

I can only hope that Sinden has passed along all his knowledge to everyone in the Bruin’s organization.

Geek Alert!

The poster for Star Trek XI has been released. It is obvious now that the new movie will be sometime in the TOS timeline. I am overjoyed that there will be some new Star Trek material but I question the wisdom of doing prequels. Star Trek works best going forward, it should not be moving back.

The only way I think a TOS movie will work is if a complete reboot of the franchise is done. Start from scratch with a new Kirk, new Enterprise and new stories for the five year mission. It would go a long way to fixing the damage that Berman and Bragga did to Star Trek. Their legacy of writing endless time travel episodes was un-original and did nothing but drive viewers away.

Whatever they decide to do it has got my inner geek all excited.

Just Where Exactly Were You Going?

Don’t you hate it when the police interrupt you when you are going for a nice pleasant drive? Maurice Clarett knows what I’m talking about. Sometimes you just want to go for a quiet drive with your AK-47, three hand-guns, a hatchet and a bullet proof vest. The vest turned out to be handy when the police tried to taser him as he was resisting arrest.

I hear the Cincinnati Bengals, who are leading the NFL in misdemeanors, might be interested in his services now. He would fit right in with the team's dynamics.

It is nice to see athletes stepping up and being role models for us all.

... Pants on Fire

Floyd Landis’ B sample has been tested and the result has confirmed that he is a cheater. Landis won’t admit it but we all know he is lying. Or is he? Is it all really a conspiracy to keep him from claiming the glory that he thinks he deserves? Landis has not been able to come up with a reasonable explanation to support this so in the interest of fairness I have put together a possible timeline that might help Floyd explain what has happened to him and clear his good name.

End of Stage 16: Landis is downtrodden. He has succumbed to fatigue, fallen off the lead and is seemingly out of contention. While the leaders are presented their jerseys Floyd wanders off to contemplate the next stage.

10 minutes later: Landis runs into Justin Gatlin and his masseuse. In an effort to cheer Floyd up Justin suggests that he needs an invigorating massage. Landis agrees.

5 minutes later: Gatlin’s masseuse is working on Landis. He is using a special “non-testosterone” cream to ease the tension in Floyd’s muscles.

1 hour later: Landis is still down but feeling slightly rejuvenated. To continue the healing process he decides that consuming hard liquor will do the trick. He calls Ben Johnson and Jose Canseco to join him.

15 minutes later: Johnson and Canseco show up with bottles of Jack Daniels.

1 hour later: Landis passes out drunk. Johnson and Canseco leave to go find Justin Gatlin.

Next day: Landis wakes up feeling energetic after a night of drinking. Spurred on by his naturally high testosterone levels he destroys the field and sets himself up to win the Tour de France. Al Trautwig wets his pants.

Clearly Gatlin, Johnson and Canseco have been hired by Tour de France officials to discredit Landis. It may soon be revealed that aliens from Neptune are involved too, but this is only a rumor at this point.

You got caught Landis, it’s time to man up.

Jim Rome is Babbling

I was in my car at lunch today and I had my radio tuned to our sports talk station. Jim Rome was on. He quickly reminded my why I don’t listen to his swill. For the 10 minutes I listened he said absolutely nothing of substance. He read some emails from some half-wits. He went on about how great he is. Then he took a couple of calls from some simpletons who think they are Jim Rome. I guess they are called “Clones.” I think a more suitable name would be “Drones” or perhaps “Retards”

Given the popularity of his show I would suggest the number of dullards walking the earth outnumber the reasonably intelligent.

Streaky

Chase Utley’s 34 game hitting streak has got sports fan dreaming of possibilities. Could he finally be the one that finally breaks Joe DiMaggio’s 56 game hitting streak. When you realize that Utley still has to get a hit for another 22 straight games just to tie it the impressiveness of DiMaggio’s streak really is apparent. The likelihood of Utley even coming close to breaking it is remote. All this streak talk has got me thinking about two of my favorite streaks of all time.

The Boston Bruins are Inept: It has been thirty four years since the Bruins have won the Stanley Cup. That is 34 four years of hockey bliss. Only once in my lifetime the Bruins have won the Cup Mercifully I was an infant at the time and have no recollection of it. What brings me even more joy is that current Boston management shows no signs of doing anything to break the streak. Harry Sinden, you rule!

The Boston Red Sox Endure 84 Years of Suck: Nothing in sports gave me more joy than this streak. Then finally it was ripped away from me when the Red Sox failed to choke away yet another World Series in 2003. I was devastated. However, I can still look back fondly on names like Bob Stanley and Bucky Dent and smile. When the name Bill Buckner is uttered I can’t help but snicker and think back to 1986. I take comfort in the fact that the Red Sox should not win again until 2087. Most people get to see Haley’s Comet more often than Red Sox World Series victories. That is a good thing.

The Red Sox Suck.

What is this Crap?

Last night I got a chance to do some channel surfing. It is not something I do often but I found myself alone in my house not wanting to do too much. The Blue Jays had a day off, there were no Star Trek re-runs on Space and the Myth Busters were not on either. I would have to step outside the box and see what I could find. What I found was a barren wasteland of crap.

My journey through the airwaves started with the mysteriously popular Canadian Idol. Much like its American cousin you are forced to listen to semi-talented pop tarts butcher songs in the hopes of launching themselves into a career of mediocrity. I watched someone attempt to sing White Wedding for 30 seconds before I was able to change the channel. I hope Billy Idol never has to see that.

Next I came across Hell’s Kitchen. It seems to be about a bunch of cooks getting verbally abused by some asshole. I watched this long enough to figure out that the cooks are competing for a job with the jerk. Maybe they will all show up next on …..

Wheel of Fortune. Jeopardy for dimwits. Click.

Entertainment Tonight. Jennifer Lopez went shopping. Tom Cruise is batty.

Professional Wrestling. What people watch when Wheel of Fortune is over.

Wife Swap. Are you serious?

Nancy Grace. Does anybody else really, really hate her like I do? My Wife watches her show sometime. She makes me want to tear my ears off.

Finally I came across a neat show about Gun’n’Roses. I loved them in the early 90’s when they were at the top of the world. What a train. They are all lucky to be alive and somewhat coherent. Axel Rose is as nearly off his rocker as Tom Cruise is.

To end it all I started watching Rockstar: SuperNova. I like this show but I can do with the hour of rockers fighting over songs. All I really want to do is listen to them sing and watch Brooke Burke. This show is actually worth watching just for Tommy Lee. He is comedy gold just being himself.

In summary, TV sucks go read a book.